Up early, see the fog in the streets
remembering the stage and last night's applause, it's still sweet
reverberating in my ears as it echoes in my memory
I want a true career but can't let go what it gives to me
the intimacy, enmity, the intrigue and the inquiry
fifteen years of memories still so clear it seems
that I'm finna meet with Nome, Tobe, Wilson and Hasani
Ced, V and Josh, we just did it as a hobby
in a tiny ass apartment overlooking stiffened bodies
rigor mortised in the dumpsters niggas hit him 'em with the shotty
but I wasn't really trippin pimpin, I was living godly
freestyling, spitting game, getting lit at parties
back and forth from So Cal to Sac, first for school
then just to see my fam, bug out and act the fool
going with the homie Carl to meet up with his new date
third wheel? Fuck that, I stayed and screwed her roommate
carefree but not careless, but cared less about fear, I guess I was unprepared for stress
which appeared
in the form of my parents' return to the unmanifest
I'm feeling like "I'm still here, I guess"
that type of shit put hair on your chest and whiskey in your glass
reminiscing on a slippery past, grasping memories
the bottom was dropping out, my thoughts were all of doubt,
rap wasn't so much a route out as a primal shout, clout
wasn't ever much overall, but still was hard-earned
'cause you can bluff all you want but still ultimately you gotta pay up when the cards turn
so I learned to put my money where my mouth was
but somehow never managed to once fail to louse up
an opportunity through cockiness or inattention
talking all this shit, who am I really convincing?
and who's the intended target of my derisive diction?
it's me versus my face in the mirror, and if you listen
you can hear the sound of my voice cracking
every choice and action is a chance to either faceplant or show poise while landing
so I understand the situation's gravity
drifting, hating happily, this is a way to integrate my tragedy
and maybe get paid handsomely, that's what I thought
as it turned out, maybe not for that second part
but the first was so true I almost rued it
fell in love and even though I was happy I was rooted in fear I couldn't do it, the years were catching up to me
I didn't mind the grind when I was focused on discovery
but somewhere along the line, I got it in my mind what I really wanted was for other people to discover me
now I'm struggling